Bush boosts morale in speech to troops


A triumphant President Bush, riding high on a wave of war popularity, spoke with an audience of admiring sailors today on the deck of the USS Lincoln, now returning from duty in the Persian Gulf.

“American military forces are the finest in the world,” the President told the sailors, “and with each war we send them on, they demonstrate the advantage of being the world’s only military superpower.”

The President assured the sailors that the nation’s taxpayers would be made to spend as much as necessary to keep expanding the American military, and promised to always keep one or two war zones active worldwide.


“Which means, of course,” Bush explained, “that you troops will need to be ready, at a moment’s notice, to invade anywhere in the world, and to kill native populations of every possible race or religion.”

Left unspoken in the President’ address was the erosion of healthcare benefits for veterans of previous wars, due to the spiraling costs of a permanent war economy coupled with a reduction in taxes on the wealthy.

Spokesperson Ari Fleischer later offered a “clarification” of the President’s closing remarks, in which he referred enthusiastically to the coming Final Battle and the imminent destruction of Earth by God when Jesus returns.